twostepcub's Eurovision 2016 recap, part two (the tops)...

Hey gang, I'm back with part two of my recap of last weekend's Eurovision Song Contest results from Sweden. You can check out part one by clicking here.

#14. "Made Of Stars" -Hovi Star

Country: Israel
Local or ringer: Local, from Haifa
TV reality fodder: Yes, finished seventh on Israel's version of Pop Idol in 2009
Last year's showing: 9th, with Nadav Guedg's "Golden Boy"
Grade: B-

Written by the same guy who wrote Israel's entry from last year, this power-ballad sung by this Sam Smith-esque youth did quite well with the jury vote, and translated better in the studio version.

#13. "Loin D'ici" - Zoë

Country: Austria
Local or ringer: Local, from Vienna
TV reality fodder: Yes, appeared on youth competition Kiddy Contest
Last year's showing: 26th for the Makemakes' "I Am Yours"
Grade: C

After winning Eurovision a couple years back with the amazing Conchita Wurst, Austria only didn't place dead last last year since they performed before Germany in running order. This time out, pretty siren Zoe from Vienna sings in French, but her breathy vocals weren't as strong live as in this studio version.

#12. "Walk On Water" - Ira Losco

Country: Malta
Local or ringer: Local, from Sliema
TV reality fodder: No, though appeared on Eurovision in 2002 placing 2nd
Last year's showing: none (came in 11th in second semi-finals)
Grade: B+

Losco, who almost took the prize fourteen years ago for Malta, returns stunning (and pregnant) looking very much like Mariah Carey with this soulful sing-along that came in fourth in the jury vote. I can definitely see this doing well in America with the right promotion, especially in the clubs.

#11. "Slow Down" - Douwe Bob

Country: The Netherlands
Local or ringer: Local, from Amsterdam
TV reality fodder: Yes, won De beste singer-songwriter van Nederland in 2012
Last year's showing: none (came in 14th in first semi-finals)
Grade: B+

After a disappointing fail last year (one of the songs that should've made the finals and didn't), Holland returns to country-folk that almost got them the crown two years ago which this jovial number from this handsome bisexual charmer that seems to have a jones for solo George Harrison records. I really expected this to be in the running for the top spot this year, and still think this has one of the best shots to make it on radio.

#10. "What's The Pressure" - Laura Tesoro

Country: Belgium
Local or ringer: Local, from Antwerp
TV reality fodder: Yes, on the Voice of Flanders and as an actress on TV
Last year's showing: 4th with Loic Nottet's "Rhythm Inside"
Grade: A-

Yes, it's a re-write of Fleur East's "Sax" (which itself was accused of being a redo of "Uptown Funk"), but this barrel of fun from Belgium brought the joy that Eurovision is supposed to be about. Would've been much highest if she didn't get saddled with getting first in the running order, as she tied with Russia's in the jury vote.

#9. "I've Been Waiting For This Night" - Donny Montell

Country: Lithuania
Local or ringer: Local, from Vilnius
TV reality fodder: No, but did represent Lithuania in 2012 at Eurovision
Last year's showing: 18th with Monika Linkyte and Vaidas Baumila's "This Time"
Grade: C-

Out of the Baltic boy-toys at this year's contest, this one did the best, but not truly deservedly. But I can see the teen girls flocking to this looker with a song pulled from the boyband rulebook (Bieber couldn't even try to pull off even this simple chorus).

#8. "Color Of Your Life" - Michal Szpak

Country: Poland
Local or ringer: Local, from Jaslo
TV reality fodder: Yes, appeared on that country's X Factor
Last year's showing: 23rd for Monika Kuszynska's "In The Name Of Love"
Grade: C

This entry was one of the anomalies of the contest. In the Friday jury vote he must've tanked badly, placing second to last with only 7 points. However, in the public vote on the next day's performance, Michal came in an amazing third. Perhaps the public was going from the studio version, with doesn't have the disjointed performance from his "Weird Al Yankovic" cosplay he was serving on stage.

#7. "LoveWave" - Iveta Mukuchyan

Country: Armenia
Local or ringer: Local, from Yerevan
TV reality fodder: Yes, on both the Armenian version of Pop Idol and The Voice
Last year's showing: 16th, with Genealogy's "Face The Shadow"
Grade: C+

At last year's Eurovision, it was Armenia's entry that caused political stirrings, with their remembrance of the genocide in the hands of the Turks in "Face The Shadow" (originally "Don't Deny"). This time, as the Ukraine takes over that role, Armenia sends a Kardashian clone with this seductive low-tempo dance thumper that was better than neighboring Azerbaijan's similar offering.

#6. "J'ai Cherche" - Amir

Country: France
Local or ringer: Local, from Paris
TV reality fodder: Yes, in the Israeli version of Pop Idol in 2006, and the French version of The Voice in 2014
Last year's showing: 25th with Lisa Angell's "N'oubliez Pas"
Grade: A-

The best of the "Big 5" showings, scoring third in the jury vote, and one of my picks to win from this former dental student that is joyous and booty-shaking, and the video is the best of the bunch.

#5. "If I Were Sorry" - Frans

Country: Sweden
Local or ringer: Local, from Ystad
TV reality fodder: No
Last year's showing: 1st with Mans Zemerlow's "Heroes"
Grade: D

After last year's win, leading them to host this year's contest, guaranteed a final spot for whoever would represent Sweden, this offering did really well, considering how basic it is, especially in the underwhelming live performance on Saturday night. But what do I know, apparently this is popular as all that with the kiddies, with its stunted Bieberesque millenial attitude and undersinging. Meh.

#4. "If Love Was A Crime" - Poli Genova

Country: Bulgaria
Local or ringer: Local, from Sofia
TV reality fodder: Yes, was a judge on this country's X Factor
Last year's showing in the final: did not enter
Grade: C+

The Bulgarian singer comes back to Eurovision for a second time after not making the finals in 2011 with this dance-pop number with the Bulgarian-language tag I thought was about her loofah. I'm surprised that even with a Swedish song doctor the lyric "If Love Was A Crime, then we would be criminals" stayed in there, but hey, it's possibly another underhanded flip of the bird to Putin. So there's that. Though the live performance was more about her light-up dress.

#3. "You Are The Only One" - Sergey Lazarev

Country: Russia
Local or ringer: Local, from Moscow
TV reality fodder: No
Last year's showing in the final: 2nd with Polina's "A Million Voices"
Grade: A-

And now we come to one of the two big polarizing entries in Eurovision. On the one hand, it's the entry from Russia, who has not only shown to be a terrorizing country for LGBT people, but also antagonistic towards Eurovision itself, threatening to boycott after the win of gender-bending artist Conchita Wurst two years ago. And now, with the Ukraine returning to competition after last year's break during the conflict that found Russia annexing Crimea, a move most countries found despicable but unwilling to militarily aid (no World War III wanted here). Of course, with this baggage, it's not surprising that most would not want to see Russia, who president Vladimir Putin personally invests in this competition, succeed. But it you don't look at the baggage, and the pure song and performance, and the artist himself, it's more cloudy. Lazarev, a veteran of boyband duo Smash! (check out their cheesy music video here). He is an outspoken advocate who actively courts a gay audience worldwide (check evidence here) as well as has spoken again the takeover of Crimea (though had to walk it back a bit I'm sure on threat from Moscow). He's appeared at gay events, and has been vocal against Russia's anti-gay laws. Lord, this music video of his is the gayest thing I've seen in weeks. Now considering that the Ukraine isn't much better in that department, is the only defense against treating Lazarev's entry as a knock against Putin? Even so, unfortunately, I would have to agree, and sadly Lazarev would lose. But objectively, as a slice of dance music with obvious Nordic-pop overtones and the eye-catching performance (which definitely drew inspiration from Zemerlow's winning show last year), and I'm very comfortable with this making the top-3, but definitely relieved that we don't have to worry about having Russia host next year's Eurovision.

#2. "Sound Of Silence" - Dami Im

Country: Australia
Local, or ringer: Born in Korea, but moved to Queensland at nine
TV reality show fodder: Yes, won the X Factor in Australia in 2013
Last year's showing in the final: 5th with Guy Sebastian's "Tonight Again"
Grade: A

Caught between the Russia/Ukraine battle was this other "controversial" entry, only in the fact that it's not from Europe per se, but from Australia, who had a "guest entry" last year commemorating the 60th anniversary of the show. A lot of people had an issue with them returning this time out, which I cannot understand at all. The Australian people have been supportive of the show for decades, and they entered through the finals fair and square. And maybe the sour grapes is because Dami's performance on the show hands down vocally blew away the rest of the competition. In fact, it set the stage for the point results change, as it overwhelmingly took the jury vote, to the point that nobody though it would be overtaken in the televoting, until at the very end when it was revealed it came in fourth in the popular vote. Which I'm comfortable with, since even though the song itself has grown on my lyrically, the repetitive chorus seemed to cry out for just a tiny tweek. Nonetheless between this year and last's, Australia has definitely proven themselves worthy of the competition, and any thought otherwise is probably more driven by fear.

#1. "1944" - Jamala

Country: Ukraine
Local or ringer: Born in what is now Kyrgyzstan of Crimean and Armenian heritage, returned to Crimea in Ukraine in the 90s
TV reality show fodder: No
Last year's showing: did not compete
Grade: A+

And now, the exciting win in this year's contest, just as exciting as Conchita's was two years ago. Just like then, it was by taking a chance with an out-of-the-box artist (Jamala sang partly in Crimean Tatar), with a dark song detailing her grandmothers family's exile from Crimea, losing one of her children in the process. As technically amazing as Dami's performance was, there was no doubt in the emotion of Jamala's personal song that, yes, did subtly poke at Russia's invasion of Crimea today (Jamala has been cut off from her family since the incursion), but as a piece of art this music can't be denied how powerful and important it truly is beyond any votes or awards. While it won't be played on Radio One, it doesn't have to. It speaks for itself. And this, my friends, is Eurovision.

My final top-10:

1. "1944" - Jamala (Ukraine)
2. "Sound Of Silence" - Dami Im (Australia)
3. "J'ai Cherche" - Amir (France)
4. "What's The Pressure" - Laura Tesoro (Belgium)
5. "Say Yay" - Barei (Spain)
6. "Heartbeat" - Justs (Latvia)
7. "You Are The Only One" - Sergey Lazarev (Russia)
8. "Slow Down" - Douwe Bob (The Netherlands)
9. "Walk On Water" - Ira Losco (Malta)
10. "Alter Ego" - Minus One (Cyprus)

With a special mention to Iceland, who should've made the finals with this entry from Greta Salome, "Hear Them Calling"...

As well as Bosnia & Herzegovina, with their totally true to Eurovision randomness of "Ljubav Je" by Dalal and Deen...

As an addendum, there are many that felt that Mans Zemerlow (last year's winner) and comedian Petra Mede made the best hosting team that anyone can remember. Just on their semi-final explanation of Eurovision rivaled Neil Patrick Harris' Tony Awards...

and their finals spoof on "what makes a good Eurovision song" could've handily won any given year on its own right...

So next year, it's in the Ukraine. It's telling that the top four countries have yet to have marriage equality. Just throwing it out there.