twostepcub's Eurovision 2016 recap, part one...

The annual Eurovision Song Contest was held last week in Stockholm, Sweden, with 42 countries sending competitors to vie for the gayest event of the year. After two semi-finals, where sixteen songs were eliminated (some very unjustly), the twenty-six remaining countries went head to head on Saturday night's final. Somehow, even though the event was broadcast in America for the first time on Logo, the official Eurovision YouTube account now blocks us from viewing the final and semi-final performances (!). But since each artist has an official video still up (mostly performance, with a couple live ones), I'll run down how the top 26 fell into, possibly why they did well/failed, and a little about the singers.

#26. "Ghost" - Jamie-Lee

Country: Germany
Local or Ringer: Local, from Bennigsen
TV reality fodder: Yes, won The Voice
Last year's showing in final: 27th (last) for Ann Sophie's "Black Smoke"
Grade: C-

Oofdah. With all the talk about Russia's anger over the final results, it's overlooked that Germany ended up on the very bottom for a second year in a row. As one of the "Big 5" countries which primarily fund the show that automatically get a pass to the finals, some resentment has been always brewing, but nothing excuses this trainwreck from happening. Jamie-Lee, who won her countries' version of The Voice with this very song, doesn't have even close to the strong and/or distinctive voice of the competition here in Sweden, but she definitely didn't do herself any favors with this recycled harajuku outfit. She seemed quite overwhelmed in the actual final, her voice shakier than here, and the disjointed backdrop didn't help any, and the song was a rehash of the alt-march that has filtered into much of Europop years ago and already found out of fashion.

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#25. "I Stand" - Gabriela Gunčíková

Country: Czech Republic
Local or ringer: Local, from Kroměříž
TV reality fodder: Yes, from Česko Slovenská SuperStar (Czech/Slovak version of Idol)
Last year's showing in final: none (came in 13th in 2nd semi-final)
Grade: C+

Gabriela was doomed from when she got assigned the second slot in the finals, but this power-ballad works better in the studio than live against much more interesting fare. She's got a great voice, but the song is more about the vocal gymnastics that she couldn't 100% pull off on stage, and since the staging had just her, well, standing, it got lost in the heap of solo women singers in the mix.

#24. "You're Not Alone" - Joe & Jake

Country: United Kingdom
Local or ringer: Local, Joe is from Ruthin, Wales and Jake is from Stoke On Trent, England
TV reality fodder: Yes, both appeared as solo artists on The Voice UK
Last year's showing in final: 24th with Electro Velvet's "Still In Love With You"
Grade: C-

Another one of the "Big 5", the UK has not found love in quite awhile in Eurovision, with their wacked-out choices not helping much. I can understand their intent of the "cute young boys" tack, but the song is total One Direction B-side and the guys are earnest but really, really bland. You can't always count on chord changes to save the day, and even with the sweet second-to-last placing in the running order, this was a washout from the moment they started.

#23. "Lighthouse" - Nina Kraljić

Country: Croatia
Local or ringer: Local, from Lipovljani
TV reality fodder: Yes, from Croatia's Got Talent and The Voice
Last year's showing in final: didn't compete last year
Grade: C

Nina, who had one of the best outfits of the night, didn't go well with the Cranberries-esque vocals live for this song, which is an excersize in power-notes repeating "lighthouse" over and over.

#22. "Say Yay!" - Barei

Country: Spain
Local or ringer: Local, from Madrid
TV reality fodder: No
Last year's showing in final: 21st with Edurne's "Amanecer"
Grade: A-

Another of the "Big 5", this building dance rave that sounds like a Rozalla throwback from 1992 was criminally undervoted in this year's competition, possibly due to the stigma the big-5 has right now. It's been their strongest entry in awhile, even though it really doesn't scream "Spain" to me. However, I can feel this will still be in my mp3 player long after this competition.

#21. "Alter Ego" - Minus One

Country: Cyprus
Local or ringer: Local, from Nicosia
TV reality fodder: Yes, lead singer Francois Micheletto was on France's version of The Voice
Last year's showing in final: 22nd with John Karayiannis' "One Thing I Should Have Done"
Grade: B

One of two rock "bands" in the finals, this one had more in common with the rest of the pack, with its EDM-like pacing. Maybe that did hurt it, not setting it apart, but it's a quite decent pop/rock number, and Francois is good to look at.

#20. "Midnight Gold" - Nika Kocharov & Young Georgian Lolitaz

Country: Georgia
Local or ringer: Local, from Tblisi
TV reality fodder: No
Last year's showing in final: 11th with Nina Sublatti's "Warrior"
Grade: C+

And here's the other rock band offering in the final. The thing is, they have a disadvantage already that you can't play instruments in a band on stage, so their energy is already a little off, but the flashing lights and cages made them seem like Oasis in jail. They would've been better off using this video's concept.

#19. "Pioneer" - Freddie

Country: Hungary
Local or ringer: Local, from Győr
TV reality fodder: Yes, from Rising Star
Last year's showing in final: 20th with Boggie's "Wars For Nothing"
Grade: C

Hungary has sent its share of hunks to Eurovision in the past, and this year we have a Zayn clone with the rasp of a chain smoker with a One Republic-esque song that wasn't helped by its early line-up pick.

#18. "Goodbye (Shelter)" - Sanja Vučić 

Country: Serbia
Local or ringer: Local, from Kruševac
TV reality fodder: No
Last year's showing in final: 10th with Bojana's "Beauty Never Lies"
Grade: C+

Sanja has the performance and emoting of a drag queen, and this vague tip to escaping heartbreak/abuse got hurt in the final from her last note, but this performance is a bit better restrained. 

#17. "Miracle" - Samra

Country: Azerbaijan
Local or ringer: Local, from Baku
TV reality fodder: Yes, from The Voice in both Turkey and Azerbaijan
Last year's showing in final: 12th with Elnur Huseynov's "Hour of the Wolf"
Grade: B-

With a song imported from Sweden, this Kardashian-clone has a good voice but probably got mixed with Armenia's Iveta which had almost the same act.

#16. "No Degree Of Separation" - Francesca Michielin

Country: Italy
Local or ringer: Local, from Bassano Del Grappa
TV reality fodder: Yes, won the X Factor in Italy
Last year's showing in final: 3rd with Il Volo's "Grande Amore"
Grade: B-

The two non-English members of the "big 5" that partly sung in their native language ended up doing the best, as this song of peace works much better in the studio version than the pretty but non-eyecatching final take.

#15. "Heartbeat" - Justs

Country: Latvia
Local or ringer: Local, from Ķekava
TV reality fodder: No
Last year's showing in final: 6th with Aminata's "Love Injected"
Grade: A-

One of my faves this year was this one written by Latvia's singer from last year, Aminata (who's "Love Injected" also was awesome). This should've been much higher, but with all the Baltics sending cover-boys to the competition, somehow Lithuania's won out. But this dark dance-pop number was the true best of that pack.

I'll return later with the top 14....